Balls of Steel

AKA: All you ever wanted to know about male waxing but were afraid to ask!

I’ve been getting inquires from people about male Brazilian waxing (including, rather surprisingly, a decent amount of women), so I thought I’d write a blog entry about it rather than have painful, awkward conversations with people who were curious about it. You're welcome!

What made you do it?

Like a lot of my more daring decisions, it was borne out of a combination of boredom and the realization that I hadn’t really done anything wild and crazy in a while. Then one day I read a review by Jade R. on yelp where she detailed what it was like for her husband to get a Brazilian. After reading her excellent review (which you can read here: http://www.yelp.com/biz/polished-washington#hrid:UT5k3N71rDBxrZ7F7Dfu0w, I was intrigued enough to give it a go. After all, I reckoned, you only live once, and if I don’t like it, well, I never have to have it done again, now do I?

What’s it like? Honestly.

Warning: the below contains a whimsical description of me getting hair yanked off in the name of vanity. It also contains vivid references to my naughty bits. Continue at your own peril, or at least don’t write me any whiny, pissy emails about tee em aye.

I’m greeted at the front desk by my waxer and led to a small, private room. I proceed to take my clothes off, stow them where wax won’t get on them, and hop up on the table and lie on my back. The waxer then covers my groin with a towel while she gets the wax ready and gets all her equipment together.

It’s go time! Using sticks that look like popsicle strips, she starts to the wax in small amounts starting with the front of my legs and working inward. I’m usually given a very important job to do, which is holding my shaft tight against my stomach so no errant hairs are pulled inadvertently and that the skin is nice and tight for optimal (and less painful) removal. As I do not even want to hazard a guess as to how painful this might be, I assure you I perform this task with great diligence (though when she needs to do more precision work later, she’ll hold it taut while she works around it. There is absolutely nothing sexual or perverted about this).

Okay, now I’m sure one of the burning questions on your mind right now is “how bad is the pain? You know, especially down there?” I’m almost 100 percent positive your next question is “aren’t you worried about getting, ahem, hard, while you’re getting waxed.

In terms of pain, it’s not as bad as you’d think. I’ve pulled Band Aids off my arms that hurt far worse than getting my sweet spots waxed. Surprisingly, getting my balls waxed hurts the least (take a piece of tape, wrap it around itself like you were using it to hang up a sign, and then put it on the back of your hand and quickly rip it off. It’s like that). The only place it really hurts is the fold where the balls meet the penis. I’ve definitely let out a few yelps when that area gets waxed, but that’s the worst. My waxer also uses a spray-on can of numbing agent that helps a little too. You’re also advised to take Motrin an hour prior to getting waxed (the receptionist even suggested having a glass of wine, in all seriousness, when making my first appointment).

In terms of arousal, I honestly cannot imagine anyone getting their rocks off during this procedure, unless you’re a glutton for pain. It’s a completely non-sexual treatment. If you can’t be naked and totally lose your shit because ZOMG WOMENZ, there’s no helping you.

It takes about 15 minutes for her to wax the penis and balls. How much hair, if any, is left on is a matter of personal preference. The first time I got waxed, it all got removed, and it was honestly a bit uncomfortable, since the elastic in the waistband of the underwear would chafe that area. Usually, I ask her to leave the proverbial “landing strip” in place. Once that’s done, she uses a lamp with a magnifying lens on it to check for any stray hairs which are promptly removed with a set of tweezers.

After that, you flip on over to your stomach, where you proceed to have your cheeks and crack made silky smooth. This only takes about 10 minutes and isn’t as painful as having your front waxed. Nothing like having a buttery-soft butt!

When you’re done, you get up off the table and check yourself out in a full mirror to make sure you’re happy with the results. Then it’s time to get dressed and pony up for the bill.

How frequently should you get waxed?

My first wax lasted about a month before I needed to go back. For a while, I was going monthly, then every 6 weeks. Since my disposable income has shrunk considerably now that student loans are due, I go every two months. Generally, the more frequently you get waxed, the more likely the hair grows back slower and thinner.

I’ve heard you have to contort your body into some pretty compromising situations. Is that true?

Depends. Not with my regular waxer. The most that’ll happen is that I’ll crook one of my legs so my sole is touching my other leg, or I’ll need to spread my legs a bit when I’m on my stomach. There was another place I went to where I had to raise my knees to my chest, and then sit up on the table on all fours. I didn’t care for that as much. For one thing, there was a wall-length mirror in the room, and I looked absolutely goofy! Also, if you really think about it, you’re in one of the most vulnerable situations a man (or woman) can be in, having someone have access to the most intimate parts of your body. And on top of it, you’re having to do kama sutra poses?

Does it really make you look, you know… bigger?

It honestly never occurred to me to do a before-and-after comparison, and I generally don’t go parading my gland in front of a mirror, so I honestly couldn’t tell you. Frankly, if you’re feeling inadequate, I don’t think removing an inch of hair is really going to help with anything.

Do women like it?

Based on an extremely scientific study of one woman that I dated when I started getting waxed, the answer is (drum roll please)… I don’t really know. She certainly didn’t take issue with it, but I wasn’t exactly trying to elicit feedback (the heat of the moment is not the time you want to be polling someone!). One thing that I happen to like is that, unlike before, I’m not having issues with hair getting caught up on the condom (ouch!).

Do YOU like it?

Enough to have it done on a regular basis for about a year! It’s honestly addictive (the look and feeling, not the actual part about ripping your hair off!). Pretty much everyone my waxer sees says they can’t imagine going back to being a sasquatch.