So, as a lot of you know, I write reviews on yelp. And as some of you may know, I absolutely, positively, cannot stand spam reviews. You know, reviews written by the owner of a particular business, in complete violation of yelp's terms of service (which stipulate that reviews come from easily identifiable people who aren't connected with a given establishment). After all, if you want to yelp your own business, how can you legitimately rate it? You want to give it five stars? How can you honestly be expected to rate your business impartially? The answer is, you can't.
Equally noxious are reviews that are written at the request of a business owner. This scenario is a little different. Instead of writing a review of your own establishment, you contact current and former clients and ask them to write a review of your business. The catch is, do you really think such people are going to ask all their clients, both happy and unsatisfied, to write a fair and impartial review? You're damned right they're n0t. It wouldn't make any sense for a business owner to solicit any feedback that was less than 100 percent positive.
It's dirty pool as far as I'm concerned. Yelp shoud be an environment where real people write real reviews. No corporate meddling whatsoever. Yet, every now and then you'll find a business (almost always a beauty salon) on yelp that does shit like this. I can't stand it. Especially because they're not even subtle about it.
Hey, you're the owner of Jim Jones Beauty Salon? And you write one little less-than-honest review? Chances are, no one will even notice. But most places get greedy. They'll write (or sanction) one less-than-forthright review, and they get hooked. They'll want to write more!
Like Glynn Jones Salon. There's been lots of reviews of this place over the past week or two. And that's left a bad taste in the mouths of a lot of DC area yelpers. You see, there's plenty of talented yelpers who spend countless hours, without any thought of payment, who pour their heart and soul into incredibly well-written reviews that honestly describe their experiences. And yet places like Glynn Jones can seemingly write (or authorize) numerous ficticious reviews with impunity, thereby negating all of what yelp and yelpers ("real people, real reviews") stand for. To the point, in the past week or so, yelp has seen over 50 reviews written for Glynn Jones, the vast majority of which look highly suspicious to long-time yelpers. You can see what I'm talkin' 'bout here: http://www.yelp.com/biz/glynn-jones-salon-and-spa-alexandria#hrid:bOXodQi0wdjCFlPj4rZlKw
Enough! It's time to level the god damned playing field. It's time for an unreview. You see, a yelp review should be written by an easily identifiable person, who writes an actual, factual review of a particular business. But if a business wants to cheat and circumvent the system, that's where the unreview comes in. You wanna make a mockery of the rules to pad your bottom line? So be it! Some of us will just have to feel compelled enough to write a particularly snarky unreview to counteract that. So here goes!
*Before I begin, I need to give you some background. My nickname on yelp is "Sheriff John Stone." That'll help you make sense of the following unreview. Enjoy!
Whoa there, pardner! I don’t think we’ve met ‘round these parts. But I been keepin’ my eye on you recently, sure as the Red River lets you know you’re in Sooner territory.
They call me the Sheriff ‘round these parts. Been holdin’ office for a few years now. I like to keep things real peaceful, yunnerstand? But fella? I been hearin’ a lot o’ complaints boutcha lately. An’ sure as ol’ Prezdent Washington has hisself a reputation fer bein’ honest, I got a reputation fer keepin’ things real friendly here.
You see, we like to keep things real honest ‘round these parts. ‘Round here, folk keep their word and speak the truth. Ain’t much use fer dishonesty and bearin’ false witness, yunnerstand, pardner? Even when folk get to disagreein’, folk do it with an open face. No hidin’ behind a mask.
Guess I should get to the point. You hafta forgive me on that. Once a man gets to a certain age, well, he just gets to ramblin’, y’know? Y’mind if I have a sip o’ this here bourbon? A man works up a powerful thirst from honest labor, y’know. You want some? Pre-war. Back before all that fuss ‘bout the North an’ the South.
See, I been gettin’ a lot o’ complaints ‘round my office. Folk come up to me in the general store and say “sheriff, there’s a no good varmint ‘round these here parts!” Now, in other territories, like in Utah, they’d gawtdarn bring a man ‘fore a firin’ squad on account o’ these allegations, sure as the Tuscon sun’ll burn a man ‘fore noon.
Now, you see folk ‘round these parts been getting’ to talkin’. Sayin’ your outfit been bearin’ false witness an’ all that. Sayin’ y’all don’t speak the truth. Them’s real harsh allegations there, fella. Reckon if they was sayin’ all that mess ‘bout me, I wouldn’t sleep well at night. I’d be sweatin’ like a Phoenix whore durin’ Sunday Mass.
Y’see, I been doin’ some pokin’ an’a proddin’. And fella, things look mighty suspicious to the law here. More satisfied folk comin’ outta your business than satisfied folk comin’ outta Madam Le Farge’s House o’ Ill Repute. Mighty suspicious, if’n you ask me, ‘specially if you know Madam Le Farge like I do.
So I’mma offer you a challenge. Call you out, if you will. Pardner, I’m givin’ you what them big city folk call a “cease an’ desist order.” I ain’t take no Latin in school or nothin’. The prairie been the Sheriff’s school ever since the James boys been terrorizin’ the West an’ ol’ Bobby Ford put a stop to that nonsense. But see here. This “cease an’ desist” order means you best stop with the monkeyshines and start straightnin’ up and flyin’ right. Fella, I’m gonna ‘splain it to you’s real simple. Simple, as in that farmhand ‘round the ol’ Johnson ranch, the one that ain’t quite right in the head, could unnerstand what this man’s sayin’. You got ‘till Monday. High Noon. To gather your flock and head on out a’ these parts. Don’t matter where you go. But you c’aint stay here.
And son? I reckon you take my advice seriously. ‘Cause when the Sheriff get to thinkin’, the Sheriff get to thinkin’. An’ then he might have to chase you all the way to the Rio Grande. An’ even then, the Sheriff knows some fine folk ‘round Monterrey. Hombres that live large in tha’ saddle an’ siempre keep true to their word. Pardner… you anger a righteous vaquero from Mexico Way, you stir up one Lincoln County-sized hornet’s nest you never wish you gazed eyes upon, comprende?
Now, ‘fore you think the Sheriff is some kinda no good scallywag, I’ll make ya’ an offer, as straight as the Wells Fargo coach to Flagstaff. I ain’t no Judge Roy Bean. A sense o’ mercy gotta’ account for somethin’. Come High Noon this hear Monday an’ you got a hankerin’ for some talk, you just post yourself a new thread inna Talk section. Man’s gotta right to defend hisself, I ain’t gonna deny. More flags ‘round these parts than General McClellan’s Army of the Potomac or ol’ General Lee’s Army of Northern Virginia. So if you take differences with what I gotta say, you just post yerself a Talk thread. Monday. High Noon. An’ you come clean an’ say what it is you’re ‘bout.
Best to clear the air before things get too hairy. Lotta dead ranch hands an’ sheepherders in the past ‘cause o’ some simple misunderstandin’s. So’s I’m givin’ you an offer to speak your piece. An’ if you’ll be so kind, I’ll be wont to speak mine. Maybe we can come to some sorta accommodation. Like ol’ Geronimo. There was an hombre with honor. Said “a man gotta stand proud an’ live free. Man gotta look at hisself in the mirror come sundown an’ rest easy with what he sees” an’ kept his word, even though he was gamblin’ with two deuces when the house hadda straight flush. Gotta respect a man like that.
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