One of the few things that unites all Washingtonians, from hyper-competitive workaholic fucks working for some schmuck Congressslug to burnt-out government cogs who think formal officewear consists of hiking boots and one of those stupidass fedora things, is hatred of the Metro system.
Seething, teeming hatred of the Metro system. It's like a rite of passage. And the greatest thing is you (yes you!) can join in on the hate, even if you've been in DC for all of 40 minutes. Go ahead and vent. We'll jump in with you!* We're pathetic because we have absofuckinglutely NO team spirit, no local pride whatsoever.
So in the spirit of bitching and not doing anything to, you know, do anything about it, please enjoy this rant (I'm sure it'll be the first in a series) about my gripes with the Metro.
The Ballston station escalator repairs: How many months has this been going on? Are they like antique East German escalators or something? You know what? Don't refurbish them. You do it every goddamned three years (or so it seems) just to do it again. A Metro escalator is kind of like one of those rotating cake trays in a diner. Only instead of rotating strawberry shorcake and cheesecake, it rotates complete and utter failure! Learn to accept when you've been beaten, and just leave them off permanently.
*This usually holds true, but once in a blue moon, you'll get someone who overhears a good old fashioned Metrorail rant and pipes in with "Well, I dunno about that (*scratches chin and looks off into the distance*). I've been to (*rattles off about 20 cities he's been to*), and I must say that I think we've got it pretty good in DC."
Hit him. Hit him hard. And do it again. Think of every setback you've had in life, and imagine that hitting him will rectify all that. That promotion you didn't get? That boyfriend you didn't get because he went out with the pompom slut in high school? It's ALL this guy's fault, and taking a crack at him will feel better than a five minute bowel movement.
Ever see one of those movies where some henchman gets sent to take out the good guy and gets his ass handed to him? And how there's a scene where the henchman just got worked over by the bad guy's bodyguards 'cause he fucked up? And how the bad guy says something like "you've just failed me for the last time"? And how the henchman has that petrified look in his eyes, like he knows for absolute certain he's gonna find out the awful truth about how hot dogs are made?
You need to make this guy tremble like that guy. Only don't tell me about it. I don't wanna be an accessory or anything.
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