All in a name

So I was looking at a list of the most popular boys and girls names for 2009.

What the hell?!? Okay, so the mid-seventies (when I was born) wasn’t known for originality, it was known for nice, simple, clean names.

Just take a look at some of these names and bear in mind they’re in the top 100 of baby names.


Girls names:


Hailey: some girls get nose jobs for their Sweet Sixteen. Can plastic surgeons give meth mouth at that age?

Kaylee: Boy howdy maw, we gonna hook up tha double-wide to Skeeter’s IROC an’ move out down by tha innerstate?

Neveah: Man, do I wish we lived in a theocracy. ‘Cause naming your kid “heaven” backwards has gotta be heresy, and if you’re enough of an assbag to name your kid after heaven, you deserve to be burnt at the stake.

Riley: Say it with me: IT’S A BOY’S NAME FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!

Savannah: not only are you naming your kid after a dead porn star, you’re naming her after one that was pretty much universally hated. Way to put your kid behind the 8-ball.

Makayla: one road to success is to study hard and get good grades. The other is to lie on your back and stick your ankles by your ears. Wanna wager what road Makayla’s gonna choose?

Trinity: my kid was conceived at the local strip joint.

Genesis: I was conceived at the local strip joint.

Boy’s names:

Aidan: in the thread where I first found the link to the top 100 baby names, someone mentioned that this is the name of a character from Sex and the City. You wanna name your kid after a Sex in the City character? One piece of advice: when he lunges at you in a homicidal rage in his teens, scream real loud. He’ll probably ditch the axe and move on to the handgun. In your dying breath you’ll thank me.

Caleb: what you wanted: a sensitive Irish poet. What you’ll get: a no-necked, knuckle dragging mongoloid who plays lacrosse and likes to cruise all over town and beat up gay people.

Logan: I thought this was a pretty cool name. Like in Wolverine. And then I realized you’re naming your kid after a comic book character.

Jayden: yeah, this one’s a keeper. Beat him up now so he’ll learn to fight before school starts. Two words of advice: you’re gonna wanna keep your ammo and handguns locked and in separate containers. It’ll make pulling a Menendez on you that much harder down the line.

Brayden: I tried to think of something snappy, but just found myself clenching my jaw uncontrollably for five minutes.

Brody: Caleb’s even dumber, more useless, more simian frat brother. His greatest achievement will be “accidentally” getting shot in the back by his platoon.

Tristan: verily, my porcine maiden. Come brush the Chee-to dust from mine neckbeard and fetch me my Mountain Dew and 20-sided dice that I may roll up a half-orc ranger most worthy.

Hayden: seriously? You named your kid after THE worst actor in the new Star Wars trilogy? Shit, name your kid Rudolf Hess or something why don’t you?