Disclaimer: in my last post, I discussed some of the more mundane things you need to know if you want to become a model. But in this post, I'm going to discuss all the things you need to know, but were afraid to ask (modeling positions, periods and erections) to fully give you an idea about what it's like being a model. So if that's causing you to blush already, you might want to skip this post.
Yup, that's right. We're gonna be talking about what some people consider to be taboo issues. But I'd be errant in my blogging if I didn't mention them. There are very, very few people you can really talk to about these sorts of things. It's probably my most NC-17 post to date, but I'm telling you the exact same thing I'd tell anyone face to face if asked.
But first, I want to cover two quick issues that piggyback the end of the last post. I'm including them here for sake of completeness. But if you want to skip these veggies and head on to dessert, I'm not one to stop you!
To accessorize or not accessorize: The bare minimum you need when modeling is a naked body and a bathrobe. There are a few more things you should consider bringing with you.
Flip flops: as a fashion statement, I abhor them in all but the most casual of circumstances. As a modeling aid, they’re invaluable. I’ve seen plenty of models walk around without footwear between breaks, and I always cringe.
I like to go barefoot too. But I’m here to tell you that you’re not getting your own green room when you model. You’re most likely going to be undressing in a restroom. A public restroom. In fact, I’ll put money on the fact that you’ll be undressing in a public (or semi-public) restroom on your next assignment. Would you walk barefoot across the bathroom in your old college or high school?
No, you wouldn’t (at least I hope you wouldn’t!). And artists probably don’t want to see dirty feet, either. Unless you’re modeling in someone’s private apartment or studio, bring a pair of cheap flip flops.
Hygiene matters: hopefully you’re reading this and groaning that you don’t need to be told this. Good! But most of your gigs are probably going to be after work, and summer's coming up. Spend a few bucks and a few minutes by freshening up while you’re getting into your robe. Comb your hair, apply some deodorant (even if you think you don’t need it) and take a baby wipe to your hands and feet. Let’s put it this way: your artists may not necessarily remember you if you’re clean. But they’re sure as hell going to remember you if you’re dirty and smell bad. I probably wouldn't apply any cologne or perfume. Maybe a quick dab on the neck if you really think there's something about it that'll put you in a good mindset when you're on the podium. But definitely don't overdo it.
Personal stuff (aka all you really wanted to know about modeling but were afraid to ask!)
Posing: A later post that I’ve got planned will give you the technical ins and outs of figure modeling. But one thing I thought I’d mention to you now is that generally, you’ll find yourself thinking about how you present yourself in a given pose strictly based upon what direction you’re facing. By that, I mean if you get into a pose facing the 2 o'clock position, you’re probably going to be only thinking about how the people in front of you and to the immediate sides see you.
While my upcoming post will tell you why you should consider how the room sees you for other reasons, I have particular cause to discuss it now. And it's to save you embarrassment. In some cases, the model podium is flush against the wall, which means there’s only 180 degrees where people can see you. But other times, you’re on a podium in the middle of the room, which means people can see you from all over the room.
For instance, let’s say you do a pose where you touch your toes. Now, if the podium’s against the wall and you’re facing 12 o’ clock, people are going to see you head-on, or at most, in profile from the side. No big deal, right?
Now imagine if you’re doing the same pose, facing the same direction, on a podium in the middle of the room. What’s the artist at your 6 o’ clock position going to see?
Yup. You didn't mean to, but you're giving someone an unfettered view of your butt and genitals.
What I’m getting at is that you should give a few seconds’ consideration when you get into a pose, and think how people are going to see it from all sides. For instance, I’ll often get into a track runner’s stance or a three-point stance like a football player might. I find it’s a great way to accentuate my leg muscles and hopefully provide the artists in the room with something interesting to draw. But I would never do it if there was someone directly behind me.
Believe me, once you start doing this regularly, you'll automatically assess how your next pose is going to be seen by everyone, even if you're making it up as you go. But if you're new to this, spend a few seconds thinking about how you'll be seen from different points in the room.
Biological concerns for women: This section won’t be as long as I’d like it to, mostly because I was initially expecting someone else to write it. If you’re a woman and you’re reading this, you might be a little nervous in booking gigs right around the time of your period. This happened to a friend of mine. I wanted to find some humorous euphemisms to explain this in a non-threatening way, but it’s honestly best delivered straight. She had a gig booked that was one day before she almost always had her period. That day came and went. So she figured it’d just come later that night or early the next day. No, it didn’t. She was a little worried, but figured it’d happen before she had to be on the podium. No, it didn’t. She told me how she was sweating bullets the entire time (I specifically remember her telling me that she’s an atheist and she actually began to pray silently while in pose). When it was time for a break, she’d dash off to the bathroom in a panic to check herself. She actually was worried people in attendance thought she was doing drugs! So after three hours of torture, she gets dressed and goes home. And proceeds to have her period.
I really hope that story didn’t sound graphic. It wasn’t my intention. But I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention that basic bodily functions like this happen, and that in this case, you might want to have a buffer of a day or two before and after your period just to make sure you’re not in a situation like this. Let’s face it. When she accepted this gig (which was probably a month or two in advance) the last thing she (or any other woman) was going to think about was her period. But it definitely bears mentioning. A good artist friend was kind enough to let me know that most women will generally cancel if a situation like this comes up (but, as I'll discuss in another post, please give the person who booked you at least some lead time. Either that, or some women will wear a tampon and either snip the string or tuck it away.
Whatever you do, it's your call.
Biological concerns for guys: Okay, I’m not gonna lie to you. This one’s gonna be about the penis.
Surprised, huh?
Let’s get it out of the way first. If you have any issues or hangups about size, modeling nude isn’t for you. No, you don’t have to be freakishly endowed or anything (in fact, the rooms tend to run a bit on the, ahem, cold side). But if you’re even in the slightest bit worried about your penis size, don’t do this to yourself. I have no idea what’s going through anyone’s except for my own. But I think you’d have to be naive not to think that there’s at least one guy in the room who’s mentally comparing your size to his, and naive not to think that there's at least one woman in the room mentally making a comparison between your size and that of her lover.
I’m going to say it in plain English: no one gives a shit. But if you do, you won’t be comfortable. Don’t mentally torture yourself for three hours over something you shouldn’t give a second thought to.
Now, what I’m absolutely sure you’ve all been dying to know about: yes, erections can happen sometimes when you’re on the stand. But it’s not something you really want to happen. In fact, if it happens more than once or twice in a blue moon, you really ought to think about why you’re doing this. You either can’t control yourself--or worse, you don’t want to control yourself. In the case of the former, it's why I'd honestly never counsel a man under 25 to model unless they were damn sure they were able to keep things under control. In the latter case... well, unfortunately there are some male figure models out there who purposely try to get erections while on the podium.
For those people, I'd like to say this: Get out. And get over yourself. No one wants to see it. No one really needs to see it. And it’s people like you that make it tough for the rest of us (men and women) to get a first gig—because people are worried about inadvertently hiring a pervert who thinks this is Date Night. I’m not talking about someone specifically asking for a model to pose erotically. That’s different, and it’s something I’m unfamiliar with so I’m not going to comment on it. But I’ve seen enough comment boards on the Internet with people claiming they regularly sport wood for traditional art sessions and that everyone loves them. I seriously doubt it. Stop degrading the professions of both modeling and art.
On the other hand, you’d have to be blissfully ignorant to think that it can’t happen at all. I’m going to be completely honest here. I’ve gotten an erection twice. And I felt like utter shit both times. And from what I gather from other male models, they feel the same way. It’s nothing you strive for, and it shouldn’t happen (and in 99.9999999blaaaah percent of gigs, it doesn’t happen), but sometimes it does. In my case, it didn’t happen because I was thinking of anything racy or erotic. Both times it occurred the same way. I was sitting down in a particular position and the cushioning pressed against me in a certain way that, for whatever reason, caused me to get an erection.
So what should you do? Some men move their hand so it covers the offending appendage. Others call for a quick break. Me? I decided to toughen it out. I didn’t know what else to do. In the positions I was in, it might have been possible that people didn’t see anything. So I thought that if someone asked me if I needed a break, I’d agree to it, and if no one said anything, I’d roll the dice. After all, they might not choose to say anything and would just not hire me back. But if it was noticed and I was confronted over it, I’d apologize.
Well, no one ever said anything, and I was invited back both times (please, don’t read anything into that, or consider it an excuse for you to do this. I’m just being honest in what happened). And I didn’t apologize or otherwise bring it up (like I said, in the poses I was in, it was entirely possible that no one really noticed. Or perhaps the whole room noticed. I just don’t know). In any event, I can’t tell you what to do for certain, because frankly that’s something that I’m still uncertain about. I can only tell you what my experiences were.
But you should most likely be fine. The rooms run somewhat on the cool side. More importantly, modeling isn’t the easiest thing to do to pay the bills. I’ll discuss that more in my upcoming post on figure modeling, but believe me, you’ll be so sore and so jonesing to get home that it most likely won’t ever become an issue.
For instance, once there was a very attractive student in one of my classes. And she seemed a little *too* interested in me from what I was able to pick up on. Moreover, she was truthfully the type I’m often attracted to (on the shorter side, fleshy, buxom, brunette hair, high cheeks, button nose). And she gave me a few flattering compliments during the session, like that I had strong legs. I truly believe she wasn't trying to be inappropriate. She was a young college student, and she probably was most likely just trying to be nice and just didn't know any better.
And do you want to know what was going through my mind? I’ll tell you.
“That’s great! I'm really flattered! And I mean it. But you also know what? My back hurts! I can’t feel my right asscheek. Are you sure it's been 20 minutes? It really feels more like 30 minutes. I’m so sore my hair follicles hurt and I’m hungry and I’m tired and I need to go to the bathroom and I want to go HOME!”
Even if I wanted to do anything inappropriate (which I didn't--aside from my personal convictions on the matter, which you've already read about, the professor was someone who's always gone out of her way to hire me. I respect her and enjoy working for her, and I'd never even think about damaging our working relationship), I couldn't. My body was so sore and contorted that the last thing I'd be tempted to think about was sex.
For all the nudity, modeling is honestly the least erotic thing I can think of. So I wouldn’t worry about an erection too much. Stress on the body, boredom, nervousness, the fact that you're in front of complete strangers... these all set a stage that's honesty not conducive to the male libido. I’ve been asked how I avoid getting excited during a session, and while it's probably better suited for another post, it’s basically a combination of not being 19, being tired, being in physical pain, and just knowing I’m there to act like a professional. So if you're worried about this happening, don't sweat it! There's enough factors working against you in this regard that it shouldn't be an issue.
Okay! Next post: figure modeling—a how-to guide!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Flying by the seat of your, um... pants: etiquette and social cues for the art model (part 1)
First in a two-part series. I got started and there was waaaaay too much to detail in a single blog post.
As we grow up, we learn certain social skills that teach us how to act in group settings. People such as our parents, relatives, teachers, religious figures, etc. all had a part in shaping the kinds of people we are (or aren’t!). We learned basic social mores and means of interaction: you know, don’t ask how much someone makes, you look people in the eye, you don’t ask how much people weigh, stuff like that. You learn about all those unwritten rules of social interaction and that helps mold and guide your actions.
But that gets turned upside-down when you take your clothes off for a living! Let’s face it… nudity is honestly a societal no-no for the most part, and for plenty of good reasons. There’s a time and a place for it, but it just doesn’t crop up much. But in the art world, there’s definitely a need for that rare breed that can shed their clothes and bare it all in front of complete strangers.
How do you act when you’re naked on the podium? When do you communicate with people? How do you communicate with people? To wear a robe or not to wear a robe? There’s a whole slew of values and mores you need to pick up on, quickly, if you’re giving serious thought to becoming a model. But the very act of sharing your nude form with strangers is one of the most intimate things you can do, and there really isn’t a rulebook for it. Yet you’re going to be judged on the way you act and comport yourself, even though there’s really no playbook for it!
For me, I was making it up as I went along. I’m usually a pretty good reader of character. But a lot of it was flying by the seat of my pants. Figuring out how I was supposed to act in a certain situation, and then hoping I made the right choice.
So what I’d like to do with this post is to go over some things you want to consider if you’re thinking of modeling, and hopefully give you some good advice and point out a few things so you don’t have to make the same mistakes that others may have made in the past.
To talk or not to talk: This is probably one of the hardest things to determine, so I’d like to talk about it first. You have breaks when you model, and it’s only natural to want to fill the silence with small talk. I generally am very gregarious before and after sessions, when I’m clothed. But when I’m chilling out between poses, I tend to keep to myself. This is your call to make, but I’ve just found it “feels” better and seems to be the “right” thing to do if I make conversation only when spoken to.
I think that if you’re a guy, and you’re being talkative and going around and looking at other people’s art, you might get pegged as “that guy.” Even if you have a robe on. I have no concrete evidence to support this one bit, but the “read” I get the longer I do this is that it just feels more natural to keep to myself between breaks and stretch out and maybe read a book. I suspect that if I was a woman, I’d still refrain from making idle chatter because I wouldn’t want to be viewed as an attention whore.
And, as it takes a certain kind of person to willingly bare themselves (mentally and physically) in front of others, some of these people can be rather… distinct, perhaps, in terms of personality (I know I am!). But what I’m getting at here (and you’ll see me discuss this at length elsewhere) is you don’t want to even give someone the thought that this is Date Night for you. I guarantee you any attempts to be overly friendly, man or woman, fit or unfit, attractive or unattractive, are just going to rub people the wrong way. And you have to be aware that, even if certain signals you're giving off aren’t your intention, they may be seen as such anyways, and that’s why you need to constantly evaluate how you present yourself in a modeling session.
Some of the models I’ve seen have struck me as being a bit cold and aloof, and I know exactly why that is: they want to be seen as models, not pickup artists. I try to counter this by being really friendly and outgoing before and after class, and cheerfully doing whatever it is I’m asked. But yeah, I’d rather be seen as “that stuck up guy” than “that perv who walks around without his robe and talks to people.” Think of it as working in an office environment with close friends: you can be informal off the clock, but when it's time for work, you're all business. I truly believe people can and do pick up on this.
Now if someone comes up and makes conversation with me, then that’s different. I’m more than happy to talk! And I will say it’s a little weird turning around to cinch up your robe, and there’s someone standing next to you wanting to ask you a question or just talk. I consider myself to be my own ambassador when I model, so I’m more than happy to answer questions when people come up to me, and accept compliments humbly!
Also, you may find there will be occasional times (particularly if people are wrapping up in the last few minutes of a session) that people may ask you questions or talk idly to you. Take an "internal pulse" of the situation, and if you think people are okay with it (in most cases it's because the instructor was one of the ones doing this), then go for it! Just don't break pose!
To walk or not to walk: During breaks, you may be tempted to check out the great art that those around you are drawing. But you might also be a little apprehensive about it. Generally, I've found most venues don't really mind if you walk around and scope out what people are creating.
To be honest, though, I generally don't. I don't want people thinking I'm putting them under the microscope, especially that a lot of my gigs are academic in nature, and tend to be beginner's classes at that. Now, if someone asks me to check out their art, I'll gladly do so. But I just generally find that I feel I'm actually respecting people more if they're not thinking that I'm critiquing or judging their work (which you should never do). That's just my feeling on the matter, and plenty of models robe up and take a look at the various interpretations of them that others have created. It's really your call. I just tend to err on the side of giving people privacy.
To robe or not to robe: I always bring a robe with me to my scheduled modeling sessions. I say “scheduled” because there might be times where the model for a given night might have to bail, and you get tapped to fill in. And you might not have your robe with you.
I am personally advising you, whenever possible, to wear your robe. Yeah, they’re going to see you naked soon. And during the session, they’ve already seen you nude at least once.
Wear the robe anyways. Like I said, there’s a time and a place to be nude, and when you’re not posing, that’s your time to not be nude.
Sometimes you have to make do. A few months ago, one of my friends called me in a panic because she was supposed to model for a drawing group that night, but she just landed a new job and was super busy. So she called to ask me if I could fill in. After making sure she okayed it with the person running the group (some people don’t like to work with new models. Others have a particular gender scheduled on a given night for a reason, and some people aren’t happy if the replacement is of a different gender). Sure enough, he called me back to give me the 411. I cautioned him that I didn’t have a bathrobe with me since I wasn’t expecting to model, and he said that was okay. So I asked if he had a bathrobe, towel, drape, something to cover myself. He said he could drum something up, but it wasn’t a big deal if I chose not to.
I admire that. He’s taking a chance on a new model, sight unseen, and says it’s totally chill that I don’t have a robe. His people just want someone to draw! But I still asked for something to cover myself with anyways. It seems weird, doesn’t it? How you can just display your naked body and still want a modicum of modesty at the same time?
So I ended up draping myself with what must’ve been a curtain. I looked like Caesar! And truth to tell, if it was someone I knew already, and if there wasn’t anything to cover myself with, I most likely would have agreed to it. But this was my first time working with a new drawing group, and I thought it would be only professional to ask for something to cover myself with during breaks.
And let’s face it: they’re there to draw you nude. They’re not there to look and hang out with you nude. So cover up!
Now, if you model enough, you’re going to find yourself in the occasional “grey” area where you might not know if you should cover up or not. And you’re going to kind of have to take the pulse of the room and use those nude social cues you’ve hopefully been picking up on to determine if you need to cover up.
Case in point: there have been several instances where, after a few poses, the professor I was working for told the students to go ahead and quickly move their easels if they wanted to change where they were sitting. I was told to just hang out, so to speak, for a minute or two. If you’ve never just “hung out” nude, it’s definitely a bit disconcerting. I mean, you know you have to pose nude. But it’s weird just standing around twiddling your thumbs naked in front of a class for a few minutes until everyone gets situated. There’s really no point in putting your robe back on, and in each case, the indication was clearly that I didn’t need to put something on. My advice in these situations is to just roll with it. You can always sit/kneel so that your more private areas are out of sight if you want.
Another example: sometimes you’ll be asked in an academic setting to pose for a minute or two, where the students do nothing but observe you. And then the professor will tell you to break pose and have the class draw you from memory for a few minutes. This has happened several times, and in each case, I could just tell without having to be told that it was expected that I’d remain nude while the students drew me, even though I wasn’t posing. They had several minutes to draw me from memory, and then we moved on to a new pose. Getting in and out of a robe would honestly be impractical, so I thought I’d just remain nude unless whoever was teaching the class suggested I put my robe on.
That never happened. But you’ve got to realize how awkward it can feel standing around naked while students are doing there thing, the professor is doing his/her thing, and you’re just kind of left to twiddle your thumbs!
Similarly, there are going to be times where you find yourself needing to disrobe away from the podium and walking several feet until you can get on it. This is usually the case when the podium is in the middle of the room. I don’t like leaving my robe on the podium (unless I plan to use it to sit on a chair or stool) since it’s a bit of a distraction, and I don’t dare throw it on the floor (art classes are, as a rule, generally messy. And you’d be amazed at how thumbtacks just seem to end up on the floor and not the walls), so there have been times I’ve disrobed along the wall, placed my robe on a chair, and walked the six or seven feet to the podium. It felt weird the first time I did it, but no one said anything. Still, I try to minimize the time I’m nude. Not because I’m ashamed, but because I believe you don’t really need to be nude much longer after your poses are complete.
Sometimes, though, you can forget you’re nude, as strange as that seems! Remember when I talked about that drawing group where I used a drape to cover me? Well, this drape was probably about 10 feet long and actually weighed a good deal. So when I was done for the night, I just placed it on the podium and made a beeline for the bathroom (which was in the next room) so I could get changed. Well, as I was heading towards the bathroom a few of the artists were saying how nice it was that I was able to fill in for my friend A, and one of the artists jokingly said “I was going to say, you don’t look like A!” Now my friend A is female and I’m, well… not female, if you haven’t picked up on it :) So naturally my instinct was to turn around and talk to her since she clearly knew A, and I started to discuss how I knew her, and next thing you know, we’re having a full-on conversation for several minutes and I happen to realize that I’m still nude!
Clearly, it was no big deal to the people that were there, and it’s not like I was doing anything pervy. But here I was leaned up against the door frame talking to several complete strangers for a few minutes while utterly naked! And while no one was offended in the least (I was invited back), I realized that I broke my cardinal rule about nudity and modeling.
But what this story goes to show is that if you model long enough, you actually stop getting awkward about nudity. Someone far wiser than me quipped that it isn’t the nakedness that’s so scary about modeling. It’s the getting naked that’s so freaky. I agree! Until a few months ago, I’d frequently get nervous waiting to drop my robe for the first time, but when I was nude and on the podium, I was completely fine! And this seems to be a consensus among a lot of art models. What I’m getting at is that the more you model, the more you’ll eventually be comfortable in the nude, to the point where it seems almost like it’s second nature, much like I felt above. So the more comfortable you get, the more you need to remind yourself from time to time to not get too comfortable. There are definitely limits!
In short, the more modest you are, I believe the more likely it is that you’ll be asked back. Men and women who wear robes during breaks and read books during downtime don’t make people feel uneasy. Men and women who are overly-comfortable in their nudity and go out of their way to make idle chatter with artists make people feel uneasy.
Look for a followup post in the coming days—I definitely have more to say, but not enough space to say it :)
As we grow up, we learn certain social skills that teach us how to act in group settings. People such as our parents, relatives, teachers, religious figures, etc. all had a part in shaping the kinds of people we are (or aren’t!). We learned basic social mores and means of interaction: you know, don’t ask how much someone makes, you look people in the eye, you don’t ask how much people weigh, stuff like that. You learn about all those unwritten rules of social interaction and that helps mold and guide your actions.
But that gets turned upside-down when you take your clothes off for a living! Let’s face it… nudity is honestly a societal no-no for the most part, and for plenty of good reasons. There’s a time and a place for it, but it just doesn’t crop up much. But in the art world, there’s definitely a need for that rare breed that can shed their clothes and bare it all in front of complete strangers.
How do you act when you’re naked on the podium? When do you communicate with people? How do you communicate with people? To wear a robe or not to wear a robe? There’s a whole slew of values and mores you need to pick up on, quickly, if you’re giving serious thought to becoming a model. But the very act of sharing your nude form with strangers is one of the most intimate things you can do, and there really isn’t a rulebook for it. Yet you’re going to be judged on the way you act and comport yourself, even though there’s really no playbook for it!
For me, I was making it up as I went along. I’m usually a pretty good reader of character. But a lot of it was flying by the seat of my pants. Figuring out how I was supposed to act in a certain situation, and then hoping I made the right choice.
So what I’d like to do with this post is to go over some things you want to consider if you’re thinking of modeling, and hopefully give you some good advice and point out a few things so you don’t have to make the same mistakes that others may have made in the past.
To talk or not to talk: This is probably one of the hardest things to determine, so I’d like to talk about it first. You have breaks when you model, and it’s only natural to want to fill the silence with small talk. I generally am very gregarious before and after sessions, when I’m clothed. But when I’m chilling out between poses, I tend to keep to myself. This is your call to make, but I’ve just found it “feels” better and seems to be the “right” thing to do if I make conversation only when spoken to.
I think that if you’re a guy, and you’re being talkative and going around and looking at other people’s art, you might get pegged as “that guy.” Even if you have a robe on. I have no concrete evidence to support this one bit, but the “read” I get the longer I do this is that it just feels more natural to keep to myself between breaks and stretch out and maybe read a book. I suspect that if I was a woman, I’d still refrain from making idle chatter because I wouldn’t want to be viewed as an attention whore.
And, as it takes a certain kind of person to willingly bare themselves (mentally and physically) in front of others, some of these people can be rather… distinct, perhaps, in terms of personality (I know I am!). But what I’m getting at here (and you’ll see me discuss this at length elsewhere) is you don’t want to even give someone the thought that this is Date Night for you. I guarantee you any attempts to be overly friendly, man or woman, fit or unfit, attractive or unattractive, are just going to rub people the wrong way. And you have to be aware that, even if certain signals you're giving off aren’t your intention, they may be seen as such anyways, and that’s why you need to constantly evaluate how you present yourself in a modeling session.
Some of the models I’ve seen have struck me as being a bit cold and aloof, and I know exactly why that is: they want to be seen as models, not pickup artists. I try to counter this by being really friendly and outgoing before and after class, and cheerfully doing whatever it is I’m asked. But yeah, I’d rather be seen as “that stuck up guy” than “that perv who walks around without his robe and talks to people.” Think of it as working in an office environment with close friends: you can be informal off the clock, but when it's time for work, you're all business. I truly believe people can and do pick up on this.
Now if someone comes up and makes conversation with me, then that’s different. I’m more than happy to talk! And I will say it’s a little weird turning around to cinch up your robe, and there’s someone standing next to you wanting to ask you a question or just talk. I consider myself to be my own ambassador when I model, so I’m more than happy to answer questions when people come up to me, and accept compliments humbly!
Also, you may find there will be occasional times (particularly if people are wrapping up in the last few minutes of a session) that people may ask you questions or talk idly to you. Take an "internal pulse" of the situation, and if you think people are okay with it (in most cases it's because the instructor was one of the ones doing this), then go for it! Just don't break pose!
To walk or not to walk: During breaks, you may be tempted to check out the great art that those around you are drawing. But you might also be a little apprehensive about it. Generally, I've found most venues don't really mind if you walk around and scope out what people are creating.
To be honest, though, I generally don't. I don't want people thinking I'm putting them under the microscope, especially that a lot of my gigs are academic in nature, and tend to be beginner's classes at that. Now, if someone asks me to check out their art, I'll gladly do so. But I just generally find that I feel I'm actually respecting people more if they're not thinking that I'm critiquing or judging their work (which you should never do). That's just my feeling on the matter, and plenty of models robe up and take a look at the various interpretations of them that others have created. It's really your call. I just tend to err on the side of giving people privacy.
To robe or not to robe: I always bring a robe with me to my scheduled modeling sessions. I say “scheduled” because there might be times where the model for a given night might have to bail, and you get tapped to fill in. And you might not have your robe with you.
I am personally advising you, whenever possible, to wear your robe. Yeah, they’re going to see you naked soon. And during the session, they’ve already seen you nude at least once.
Wear the robe anyways. Like I said, there’s a time and a place to be nude, and when you’re not posing, that’s your time to not be nude.
Sometimes you have to make do. A few months ago, one of my friends called me in a panic because she was supposed to model for a drawing group that night, but she just landed a new job and was super busy. So she called to ask me if I could fill in. After making sure she okayed it with the person running the group (some people don’t like to work with new models. Others have a particular gender scheduled on a given night for a reason, and some people aren’t happy if the replacement is of a different gender). Sure enough, he called me back to give me the 411. I cautioned him that I didn’t have a bathrobe with me since I wasn’t expecting to model, and he said that was okay. So I asked if he had a bathrobe, towel, drape, something to cover myself. He said he could drum something up, but it wasn’t a big deal if I chose not to.
I admire that. He’s taking a chance on a new model, sight unseen, and says it’s totally chill that I don’t have a robe. His people just want someone to draw! But I still asked for something to cover myself with anyways. It seems weird, doesn’t it? How you can just display your naked body and still want a modicum of modesty at the same time?
So I ended up draping myself with what must’ve been a curtain. I looked like Caesar! And truth to tell, if it was someone I knew already, and if there wasn’t anything to cover myself with, I most likely would have agreed to it. But this was my first time working with a new drawing group, and I thought it would be only professional to ask for something to cover myself with during breaks.
And let’s face it: they’re there to draw you nude. They’re not there to look and hang out with you nude. So cover up!
Now, if you model enough, you’re going to find yourself in the occasional “grey” area where you might not know if you should cover up or not. And you’re going to kind of have to take the pulse of the room and use those nude social cues you’ve hopefully been picking up on to determine if you need to cover up.
Case in point: there have been several instances where, after a few poses, the professor I was working for told the students to go ahead and quickly move their easels if they wanted to change where they were sitting. I was told to just hang out, so to speak, for a minute or two. If you’ve never just “hung out” nude, it’s definitely a bit disconcerting. I mean, you know you have to pose nude. But it’s weird just standing around twiddling your thumbs naked in front of a class for a few minutes until everyone gets situated. There’s really no point in putting your robe back on, and in each case, the indication was clearly that I didn’t need to put something on. My advice in these situations is to just roll with it. You can always sit/kneel so that your more private areas are out of sight if you want.
Another example: sometimes you’ll be asked in an academic setting to pose for a minute or two, where the students do nothing but observe you. And then the professor will tell you to break pose and have the class draw you from memory for a few minutes. This has happened several times, and in each case, I could just tell without having to be told that it was expected that I’d remain nude while the students drew me, even though I wasn’t posing. They had several minutes to draw me from memory, and then we moved on to a new pose. Getting in and out of a robe would honestly be impractical, so I thought I’d just remain nude unless whoever was teaching the class suggested I put my robe on.
That never happened. But you’ve got to realize how awkward it can feel standing around naked while students are doing there thing, the professor is doing his/her thing, and you’re just kind of left to twiddle your thumbs!
Similarly, there are going to be times where you find yourself needing to disrobe away from the podium and walking several feet until you can get on it. This is usually the case when the podium is in the middle of the room. I don’t like leaving my robe on the podium (unless I plan to use it to sit on a chair or stool) since it’s a bit of a distraction, and I don’t dare throw it on the floor (art classes are, as a rule, generally messy. And you’d be amazed at how thumbtacks just seem to end up on the floor and not the walls), so there have been times I’ve disrobed along the wall, placed my robe on a chair, and walked the six or seven feet to the podium. It felt weird the first time I did it, but no one said anything. Still, I try to minimize the time I’m nude. Not because I’m ashamed, but because I believe you don’t really need to be nude much longer after your poses are complete.
Sometimes, though, you can forget you’re nude, as strange as that seems! Remember when I talked about that drawing group where I used a drape to cover me? Well, this drape was probably about 10 feet long and actually weighed a good deal. So when I was done for the night, I just placed it on the podium and made a beeline for the bathroom (which was in the next room) so I could get changed. Well, as I was heading towards the bathroom a few of the artists were saying how nice it was that I was able to fill in for my friend A, and one of the artists jokingly said “I was going to say, you don’t look like A!” Now my friend A is female and I’m, well… not female, if you haven’t picked up on it :) So naturally my instinct was to turn around and talk to her since she clearly knew A, and I started to discuss how I knew her, and next thing you know, we’re having a full-on conversation for several minutes and I happen to realize that I’m still nude!
Clearly, it was no big deal to the people that were there, and it’s not like I was doing anything pervy. But here I was leaned up against the door frame talking to several complete strangers for a few minutes while utterly naked! And while no one was offended in the least (I was invited back), I realized that I broke my cardinal rule about nudity and modeling.
But what this story goes to show is that if you model long enough, you actually stop getting awkward about nudity. Someone far wiser than me quipped that it isn’t the nakedness that’s so scary about modeling. It’s the getting naked that’s so freaky. I agree! Until a few months ago, I’d frequently get nervous waiting to drop my robe for the first time, but when I was nude and on the podium, I was completely fine! And this seems to be a consensus among a lot of art models. What I’m getting at is that the more you model, the more you’ll eventually be comfortable in the nude, to the point where it seems almost like it’s second nature, much like I felt above. So the more comfortable you get, the more you need to remind yourself from time to time to not get too comfortable. There are definitely limits!
In short, the more modest you are, I believe the more likely it is that you’ll be asked back. Men and women who wear robes during breaks and read books during downtime don’t make people feel uneasy. Men and women who are overly-comfortable in their nudity and go out of their way to make idle chatter with artists make people feel uneasy.
Look for a followup post in the coming days—I definitely have more to say, but not enough space to say it :)
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
First-person perspective
*I didn’t set out to write this so much as I sat down to write something, and things just sort of started flowing for me. So I thought, as much as possible, I’d leave this entry as a stream-of-consciousness format to show you what goes through a model’s head when he or she shows up for a gig. Enjoy!*
Okay, it’s 6:20 and I’m now just getting off the Metro. And now I gotta hike up that hugeass escalator. I do not like running late. At all. Even though I know I’ll still manage to be about 20 minutes early. I hate the very thought of being late for a new gig. I am soooooooo nervous. This is probably the most popular drawing group in DC. And I got the nod, me… an unknown quantity for them, to model for them. You take a big risk when you hire a new model. I’ve never blown it before, but I sure as shit hope I don’t blow it tonight. Hmm… that girl’s got a pad of drawing paper. And it looks like she’s walking in the same direction as I am. Hope she’s not expecting to draw someone with a chiseled chest and washboard abs.
All right, that big church-like building is probably the church. Yup, this is where I’m supposed to be. Great, I’m actually 30 minutes early! Wonder how many people are gonna be here tonight? I’m the only one here. Oh, maybe I’m not. I’ll ask that guy. Wonderful! I found the right entrance.
I’m pacing. I’m twiddling my thumbs. I’m trying not to act in the least bit nervous. Okay, there’s a few more people waiting. And they’re probably in their early 20s. Ugh. I feel soooooo old and out of shape now.
CREAK!
“Oh, hi, are you P? Great! I’m Jason, tonight’s model! Up the stairs to the top? Thanks!”
Clack, clack, clack. Welp, stairs don’t go up any more. Guess this is the place. Wow, it’s someone’s apartment. Pretty cool! The guy who confirmed that this was indeed the location cheerfully walks in with me and points out the drawing room. Oh my. This room is
Much
Much
Smaller
than the pictures I saw on their website. I think my living room’s about as big.
“Oh, no, I don’t need an easel or anything. I’m actually gonna be the guy up there,” I say to the guy as I point to the podium. Awesome! He didn’t barf in his mouth or anything!
I walk back out into the living room and try to look as distinguished as one can get for someone who’s about to be naked in about 15 minutes. Hmm, is that the woman who booked me? (Yes, I’m Jason. It’s so great to meet you! Hope I didn’t needle you with the jillion questions I emailed you over the week). Whew, she’s friendly! Not that I expected otherwise, but I’ve worked with one or two taciturn people before, and when you factor in the whole not wearing clothes thing, it can get intimidating.
She’s giving me the run of the place and shows me where I can get changed. (Yay, she said I was “prepared”!) I’m sweating bullets. Man, it’s hot out. I should have never worn a suit. Honestly, what was I thinking? It’s all coming off anyways.
10 minutes until kickoff. Time to get ready (oh good, the bathroom’s free!). Jesus, I never realized until today how long it takes to get a suit off. I am never wearing a suit if I know I have to model, ever again! Grr, why do I sweat so much? And it’s always along the eyebrows. I swear I’m gonna shave those fuckers off. We’ll see who sweats like a beer bottle now. But if I do that, it’s gonna look weird, so I probably gotta shave my head and douse myself in frankincense oil like some ancient Egyptian dude. All right, time to slide on the robe. Oops, gotta brush the hair! How do I look? Overweight and sweaty. And nervous.
Deep breath. Okay, let’s give ‘em what they came to see!
It’s only what, 30 feet from the bathroom to the podium? It’s so crowded that it feels like the male equivalent of the walk of shame. EVERYONE knows the bathrobe's coming off. Maybe that’s why I wore a suit, at least subconsciously. It’s like a suit of armor compared to the bathrobe, or bare flesh for that matter. Thank God they’re not looking at me. Yeah, they’re cool. They’re professionals. This is a walk in the park for them. So I’ll just chill by the podium for a bit. “Yeah, sure, I can wait for a few more minutes while people settle in.” What I wanted to say was “Yeah, sure, I’m scared shitless. Take all the time you need.”
Wow, I’m one of probably three people who could tell you what Betamax was, or actually tasted New Coke, or could recite the Big Mac song (two all-beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun!). And everyone’s in better shape than I am (can I run out and get a sledgehammer and knock the back wall out and add about another 20 feet of length to the room?).
Three 5-minute gestures? That’s not what you wife said. Better check. Hmm, looks like some people do want to do gestures. Yup, I’ll do 10 one-minute gestures!
Here’s where the magic begins. Here’s where I can never undo that fucking knot in less than 10 seconds. I swear, it’s not like I set out to tie a knot like I’m auditioning for the Coast Guard. *Awkward* This is totally, utterly surreal. There’s gotta be about 15 people in a room the size of my living room, most of whom are about 10 years younger than me, ALL of whom are in better shape, and it’s so packed, several are no more than two or three feet in front of me. And of course the ones I can practically reach out and touch are women. Why do I do this again?
Because it’s a zen kinda thing, as I finally free the knot, shed the robe, gently set it off to the side, and kick off my flip flops.
Damn! Even with the portable A/C clocking in at 68 degrees, I’m almost literally sweating my balls off, joy of joys. This is ridiculous. I’m the only person not wearing any clothes whatsoever, so why am I the only one who’s dying?
“Oh, don’t worry, I’m keepin’ the time in my head.” (Sweet, he seemed happy about that!). “Yup, got a timer for the longer poses too.” You learned your little lesson about forgetting your timer a few months ago, didn’t you? “15” minute pose my ass! Hell, I think my legs are still asleep from that one!
I like this podium. Not as hard as the ones at the art school, but not as soft as the ones at that other drawing group. Soft enough to be comfortable, but not soft enough to where I’m almost losing my balance. I can actually plant my feet down and do some strenuous poses without it feeling like I’m on one of those inflatable moonwalk thingies.
Break time! Damn, it feels so good to stretch out! Okay, I’m a bit nervous. Usually one or two people either compliment me or come up and ask me questions. (Oh shit! They hate me!) All right. Gotta suck it up. Another hour and a half and I’m a free man. Not everyone’s gonna love me. But I’m a professional, and I’ve got to finish the job.
Time passes. I’m really feeling my A-game today! I’m coming up with creative stuff and I feel like my poses are really, really steady. I know I’m my own worst critic, that even when I’ve been complimented on my statue-in-the-park ability, it feels like my muscles want me to buck like a bronco. But I’m pushing the envelope with some of my poses, and I’m holding steady. And my body’s finally adjusted to the room temperature. “Yeah, I can do a seated pose!” (Thanks for saying I’m tall!). “Do you want one long pose, or do you want another pose after the break?” (Okay, you’ll vote on it).
Ahhhhhhhh! So nice to sit down, and this chair’s really comfy. Love that they put a few pillows on it. Thanks for thinking of the model. You try sitting bare-assed on a metal stool for 20 minutes without moving and tell me how it feels. But this is nice! Time to get settled in, aaaaaaand we’re off! Uh oh… this particular pose with this particular cushioning is pressing on my sweet spot the exact same way it did that one other time. And Russell got a bit more animated than I would’ve liked him to. Granted, they didn’t say anything about it that one time (hell, they invited me back). Shit, they’ve already started drawing. Can’t adjust now. Welp, just have to hope for the best.
One hour left to go. Man, I could get used to these two-hour sessions. Start later, less work, it’s like modeling had an affair with French labor laws. This beats three-hour sessions hands down! Ugh, I’m getting that blurry thing going where half of my vision’s picking up the bright lights and the other half’s picking up the shading. Definitely gonna have to keep myself from nodding off. Don’t wanna fall asleep in the chair like last month (man, I’m glad I woke up before I fell over!)
Oh no. Nononononononono! I’m just dreaming. It’s not moving. It, it, it’s just the temperature change, that’s it! Yup, just gettin’ acclimated to the A/C kickin’ on. Doo dee doo dee doo! La la la la la la laAAAAAUUUUUUUUGH!
Fuck.
My.
Life!
Oh, god, they’re gonna think I’m some sort of horrible pervert! What the hell should I do! It’s not like I can break pose and look down and size up the damage *facepalm!* Half mast? Full banner? Damned if I know. All right, it’s the position, not my libido. I’ll just hold pose and if someone shits a brick, I’ll apologize. I’ve talked with other models about this before and, well, it just happens once in a blue moon. Everyone knows it can happen and it’s not a big deal and why oh why can’t I shut off my internal dialogue and why oh why won’t you just go away?!? FUCK! I bitch about how some models are so unprofessional they’ll expose themselves deliberately up on the podium. It’s a job. It’s not date night. Not cool! Am I a hypocrite or a victim? Okay, reality check. I’ve got my hands in front of me, and I’m sitting at an angle. No one can probably see anything anyway. Ahhh… I think this is about the 20-minute mark. Yup, the one where I lose all feeling from the waist down due to numbness and lack of circulation.
*Beep beep! Beep beep!*
Dear god, I am SORE! Damn it! Why the hell did I have to pick a checkerprint robe? I can never find which way’s up the first time! Okay, there we go. Mmm… time for some stretching and kneading of the muscles. This is so awkward. Everyone’s soooo close! I don’t like making eye contact because frankly it reeks of something some shitbag PUA would do, and this room is so small that I basically have to look aloof by staring up at the ceiling.
“Yup, I’m ready for the last pose? Did you all want the same pose or a different one? The same? Okay! Feel free to guide me if I didn’t get back into exactly the same position and you’re seeing something you don’t like.” Hmm… no one said anything. Cool. So tired. So very, very tired. My eyes are starting to lose focus, and that’s exactly when I start to feel sleepy. Only 20 more minutes. You can do this Jason!
*Beep beep! Beep beep!*
Okay, seriously? For once, I swear I will learn to stop fumbling with the damn robe! Well, time to go get dressed. Okay, first I swear I’m going to start bringing shorts, a t-shirt and flip flops to work so I can change into something more comfortable before I model. I hate getting back into a sweaty shirt and sweaty socks, I don’t care how many times I’ve done it. Okay, hair looks good, suit looks good. Do I have everything in my bag? Great. Anything left in the bathroom? Nope. Time to punch out and get paid.
Okay, I’m nervous. I mean, I don’t know what I was expecting. It’s not like they’re gonna charge me as I come out from the bathroom and give me a bouquet of flowers like I swept the Emmys or something. But they’re just sitting off to the side and making small talk. All right, time to do the whole eye contact thing. Are they happy? Are they unhappy? Do they want me back? Do they never want to see me again? Okay, this isn’t like my credit card statement where you just scroll down really quickly and hit the payment button.
“You got some REALLY great comments from the artists today!” she said.
(OMG really?!? Seriously?!? I mean, I know I gave it my all, but I was sooooo nervous!)
“Really? Why thank you! That really means a lot to me!” No bullshit. I’m totally flattered at this point!
“And we’ll definitely put you on the schedule for future sessions! We have a few openings in July, so I’ll send you an email tomorrow to see which day you want.”
Oh man! Not only did I pass the chemistry exam, I passed with flying colors, and got paid $50 in cold, hard cash. I gave it my all, and they wanted to have me back!
I can’t remember the journey home. I think I floated back. And I know I was definitely dancing to my iPod waiting for the Metro at Farragut West.
Okay, it’s 6:20 and I’m now just getting off the Metro. And now I gotta hike up that hugeass escalator. I do not like running late. At all. Even though I know I’ll still manage to be about 20 minutes early. I hate the very thought of being late for a new gig. I am soooooooo nervous. This is probably the most popular drawing group in DC. And I got the nod, me… an unknown quantity for them, to model for them. You take a big risk when you hire a new model. I’ve never blown it before, but I sure as shit hope I don’t blow it tonight. Hmm… that girl’s got a pad of drawing paper. And it looks like she’s walking in the same direction as I am. Hope she’s not expecting to draw someone with a chiseled chest and washboard abs.
All right, that big church-like building is probably the church. Yup, this is where I’m supposed to be. Great, I’m actually 30 minutes early! Wonder how many people are gonna be here tonight? I’m the only one here. Oh, maybe I’m not. I’ll ask that guy. Wonderful! I found the right entrance.
I’m pacing. I’m twiddling my thumbs. I’m trying not to act in the least bit nervous. Okay, there’s a few more people waiting. And they’re probably in their early 20s. Ugh. I feel soooooo old and out of shape now.
CREAK!
“Oh, hi, are you P? Great! I’m Jason, tonight’s model! Up the stairs to the top? Thanks!”
Clack, clack, clack. Welp, stairs don’t go up any more. Guess this is the place. Wow, it’s someone’s apartment. Pretty cool! The guy who confirmed that this was indeed the location cheerfully walks in with me and points out the drawing room. Oh my. This room is
Much
Much
Smaller
than the pictures I saw on their website. I think my living room’s about as big.
“Oh, no, I don’t need an easel or anything. I’m actually gonna be the guy up there,” I say to the guy as I point to the podium. Awesome! He didn’t barf in his mouth or anything!
I walk back out into the living room and try to look as distinguished as one can get for someone who’s about to be naked in about 15 minutes. Hmm, is that the woman who booked me? (Yes, I’m Jason. It’s so great to meet you! Hope I didn’t needle you with the jillion questions I emailed you over the week). Whew, she’s friendly! Not that I expected otherwise, but I’ve worked with one or two taciturn people before, and when you factor in the whole not wearing clothes thing, it can get intimidating.
She’s giving me the run of the place and shows me where I can get changed. (Yay, she said I was “prepared”!) I’m sweating bullets. Man, it’s hot out. I should have never worn a suit. Honestly, what was I thinking? It’s all coming off anyways.
10 minutes until kickoff. Time to get ready (oh good, the bathroom’s free!). Jesus, I never realized until today how long it takes to get a suit off. I am never wearing a suit if I know I have to model, ever again! Grr, why do I sweat so much? And it’s always along the eyebrows. I swear I’m gonna shave those fuckers off. We’ll see who sweats like a beer bottle now. But if I do that, it’s gonna look weird, so I probably gotta shave my head and douse myself in frankincense oil like some ancient Egyptian dude. All right, time to slide on the robe. Oops, gotta brush the hair! How do I look? Overweight and sweaty. And nervous.
Deep breath. Okay, let’s give ‘em what they came to see!
It’s only what, 30 feet from the bathroom to the podium? It’s so crowded that it feels like the male equivalent of the walk of shame. EVERYONE knows the bathrobe's coming off. Maybe that’s why I wore a suit, at least subconsciously. It’s like a suit of armor compared to the bathrobe, or bare flesh for that matter. Thank God they’re not looking at me. Yeah, they’re cool. They’re professionals. This is a walk in the park for them. So I’ll just chill by the podium for a bit. “Yeah, sure, I can wait for a few more minutes while people settle in.” What I wanted to say was “Yeah, sure, I’m scared shitless. Take all the time you need.”
Wow, I’m one of probably three people who could tell you what Betamax was, or actually tasted New Coke, or could recite the Big Mac song (two all-beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun!). And everyone’s in better shape than I am (can I run out and get a sledgehammer and knock the back wall out and add about another 20 feet of length to the room?).
Three 5-minute gestures? That’s not what you wife said. Better check. Hmm, looks like some people do want to do gestures. Yup, I’ll do 10 one-minute gestures!
Here’s where the magic begins. Here’s where I can never undo that fucking knot in less than 10 seconds. I swear, it’s not like I set out to tie a knot like I’m auditioning for the Coast Guard. *Awkward* This is totally, utterly surreal. There’s gotta be about 15 people in a room the size of my living room, most of whom are about 10 years younger than me, ALL of whom are in better shape, and it’s so packed, several are no more than two or three feet in front of me. And of course the ones I can practically reach out and touch are women. Why do I do this again?
Because it’s a zen kinda thing, as I finally free the knot, shed the robe, gently set it off to the side, and kick off my flip flops.
Damn! Even with the portable A/C clocking in at 68 degrees, I’m almost literally sweating my balls off, joy of joys. This is ridiculous. I’m the only person not wearing any clothes whatsoever, so why am I the only one who’s dying?
“Oh, don’t worry, I’m keepin’ the time in my head.” (Sweet, he seemed happy about that!). “Yup, got a timer for the longer poses too.” You learned your little lesson about forgetting your timer a few months ago, didn’t you? “15” minute pose my ass! Hell, I think my legs are still asleep from that one!
I like this podium. Not as hard as the ones at the art school, but not as soft as the ones at that other drawing group. Soft enough to be comfortable, but not soft enough to where I’m almost losing my balance. I can actually plant my feet down and do some strenuous poses without it feeling like I’m on one of those inflatable moonwalk thingies.
Break time! Damn, it feels so good to stretch out! Okay, I’m a bit nervous. Usually one or two people either compliment me or come up and ask me questions. (Oh shit! They hate me!) All right. Gotta suck it up. Another hour and a half and I’m a free man. Not everyone’s gonna love me. But I’m a professional, and I’ve got to finish the job.
Time passes. I’m really feeling my A-game today! I’m coming up with creative stuff and I feel like my poses are really, really steady. I know I’m my own worst critic, that even when I’ve been complimented on my statue-in-the-park ability, it feels like my muscles want me to buck like a bronco. But I’m pushing the envelope with some of my poses, and I’m holding steady. And my body’s finally adjusted to the room temperature. “Yeah, I can do a seated pose!” (Thanks for saying I’m tall!). “Do you want one long pose, or do you want another pose after the break?” (Okay, you’ll vote on it).
Ahhhhhhhh! So nice to sit down, and this chair’s really comfy. Love that they put a few pillows on it. Thanks for thinking of the model. You try sitting bare-assed on a metal stool for 20 minutes without moving and tell me how it feels. But this is nice! Time to get settled in, aaaaaaand we’re off! Uh oh… this particular pose with this particular cushioning is pressing on my sweet spot the exact same way it did that one other time. And Russell got a bit more animated than I would’ve liked him to. Granted, they didn’t say anything about it that one time (hell, they invited me back). Shit, they’ve already started drawing. Can’t adjust now. Welp, just have to hope for the best.
One hour left to go. Man, I could get used to these two-hour sessions. Start later, less work, it’s like modeling had an affair with French labor laws. This beats three-hour sessions hands down! Ugh, I’m getting that blurry thing going where half of my vision’s picking up the bright lights and the other half’s picking up the shading. Definitely gonna have to keep myself from nodding off. Don’t wanna fall asleep in the chair like last month (man, I’m glad I woke up before I fell over!)
Oh no. Nononononononono! I’m just dreaming. It’s not moving. It, it, it’s just the temperature change, that’s it! Yup, just gettin’ acclimated to the A/C kickin’ on. Doo dee doo dee doo! La la la la la la laAAAAAUUUUUUUUGH!
Fuck.
My.
Life!
Oh, god, they’re gonna think I’m some sort of horrible pervert! What the hell should I do! It’s not like I can break pose and look down and size up the damage *facepalm!* Half mast? Full banner? Damned if I know. All right, it’s the position, not my libido. I’ll just hold pose and if someone shits a brick, I’ll apologize. I’ve talked with other models about this before and, well, it just happens once in a blue moon. Everyone knows it can happen and it’s not a big deal and why oh why can’t I shut off my internal dialogue and why oh why won’t you just go away?!? FUCK! I bitch about how some models are so unprofessional they’ll expose themselves deliberately up on the podium. It’s a job. It’s not date night. Not cool! Am I a hypocrite or a victim? Okay, reality check. I’ve got my hands in front of me, and I’m sitting at an angle. No one can probably see anything anyway. Ahhh… I think this is about the 20-minute mark. Yup, the one where I lose all feeling from the waist down due to numbness and lack of circulation.
*Beep beep! Beep beep!*
Dear god, I am SORE! Damn it! Why the hell did I have to pick a checkerprint robe? I can never find which way’s up the first time! Okay, there we go. Mmm… time for some stretching and kneading of the muscles. This is so awkward. Everyone’s soooo close! I don’t like making eye contact because frankly it reeks of something some shitbag PUA would do, and this room is so small that I basically have to look aloof by staring up at the ceiling.
“Yup, I’m ready for the last pose? Did you all want the same pose or a different one? The same? Okay! Feel free to guide me if I didn’t get back into exactly the same position and you’re seeing something you don’t like.” Hmm… no one said anything. Cool. So tired. So very, very tired. My eyes are starting to lose focus, and that’s exactly when I start to feel sleepy. Only 20 more minutes. You can do this Jason!
*Beep beep! Beep beep!*
Okay, seriously? For once, I swear I will learn to stop fumbling with the damn robe! Well, time to go get dressed. Okay, first I swear I’m going to start bringing shorts, a t-shirt and flip flops to work so I can change into something more comfortable before I model. I hate getting back into a sweaty shirt and sweaty socks, I don’t care how many times I’ve done it. Okay, hair looks good, suit looks good. Do I have everything in my bag? Great. Anything left in the bathroom? Nope. Time to punch out and get paid.
Okay, I’m nervous. I mean, I don’t know what I was expecting. It’s not like they’re gonna charge me as I come out from the bathroom and give me a bouquet of flowers like I swept the Emmys or something. But they’re just sitting off to the side and making small talk. All right, time to do the whole eye contact thing. Are they happy? Are they unhappy? Do they want me back? Do they never want to see me again? Okay, this isn’t like my credit card statement where you just scroll down really quickly and hit the payment button.
“You got some REALLY great comments from the artists today!” she said.
(OMG really?!? Seriously?!? I mean, I know I gave it my all, but I was sooooo nervous!)
“Really? Why thank you! That really means a lot to me!” No bullshit. I’m totally flattered at this point!
“And we’ll definitely put you on the schedule for future sessions! We have a few openings in July, so I’ll send you an email tomorrow to see which day you want.”
Oh man! Not only did I pass the chemistry exam, I passed with flying colors, and got paid $50 in cold, hard cash. I gave it my all, and they wanted to have me back!
I can’t remember the journey home. I think I floated back. And I know I was definitely dancing to my iPod waiting for the Metro at Farragut West.
Monday, May 17, 2010
All in a name
So I was looking at a list of the most popular boys and girls names for 2009.
What the hell?!? Okay, so the mid-seventies (when I was born) wasn’t known for originality, it was known for nice, simple, clean names.
Just take a look at some of these names and bear in mind they’re in the top 100 of baby names.
Girls names:
Hailey: some girls get nose jobs for their Sweet Sixteen. Can plastic surgeons give meth mouth at that age?
Kaylee: Boy howdy maw, we gonna hook up tha double-wide to Skeeter’s IROC an’ move out down by tha innerstate?
Neveah: Man, do I wish we lived in a theocracy. ‘Cause naming your kid “heaven” backwards has gotta be heresy, and if you’re enough of an assbag to name your kid after heaven, you deserve to be burnt at the stake.
Riley: Say it with me: IT’S A BOY’S NAME FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!
Savannah: not only are you naming your kid after a dead porn star, you’re naming her after one that was pretty much universally hated. Way to put your kid behind the 8-ball.
Makayla: one road to success is to study hard and get good grades. The other is to lie on your back and stick your ankles by your ears. Wanna wager what road Makayla’s gonna choose?
Trinity: my kid was conceived at the local strip joint.
Genesis: I was conceived at the local strip joint.
Boy’s names:
Aidan: in the thread where I first found the link to the top 100 baby names, someone mentioned that this is the name of a character from Sex and the City. You wanna name your kid after a Sex in the City character? One piece of advice: when he lunges at you in a homicidal rage in his teens, scream real loud. He’ll probably ditch the axe and move on to the handgun. In your dying breath you’ll thank me.
Caleb: what you wanted: a sensitive Irish poet. What you’ll get: a no-necked, knuckle dragging mongoloid who plays lacrosse and likes to cruise all over town and beat up gay people.
Logan: I thought this was a pretty cool name. Like in Wolverine. And then I realized you’re naming your kid after a comic book character.
Jayden: yeah, this one’s a keeper. Beat him up now so he’ll learn to fight before school starts. Two words of advice: you’re gonna wanna keep your ammo and handguns locked and in separate containers. It’ll make pulling a Menendez on you that much harder down the line.
Brayden: I tried to think of something snappy, but just found myself clenching my jaw uncontrollably for five minutes.
Brody: Caleb’s even dumber, more useless, more simian frat brother. His greatest achievement will be “accidentally” getting shot in the back by his platoon.
Tristan: verily, my porcine maiden. Come brush the Chee-to dust from mine neckbeard and fetch me my Mountain Dew and 20-sided dice that I may roll up a half-orc ranger most worthy.
Hayden: seriously? You named your kid after THE worst actor in the new Star Wars trilogy? Shit, name your kid Rudolf Hess or something why don’t you?
What the hell?!? Okay, so the mid-seventies (when I was born) wasn’t known for originality, it was known for nice, simple, clean names.
Just take a look at some of these names and bear in mind they’re in the top 100 of baby names.
Girls names:
Hailey: some girls get nose jobs for their Sweet Sixteen. Can plastic surgeons give meth mouth at that age?
Kaylee: Boy howdy maw, we gonna hook up tha double-wide to Skeeter’s IROC an’ move out down by tha innerstate?
Neveah: Man, do I wish we lived in a theocracy. ‘Cause naming your kid “heaven” backwards has gotta be heresy, and if you’re enough of an assbag to name your kid after heaven, you deserve to be burnt at the stake.
Riley: Say it with me: IT’S A BOY’S NAME FOR FUCK’S SAKE!!!
Savannah: not only are you naming your kid after a dead porn star, you’re naming her after one that was pretty much universally hated. Way to put your kid behind the 8-ball.
Makayla: one road to success is to study hard and get good grades. The other is to lie on your back and stick your ankles by your ears. Wanna wager what road Makayla’s gonna choose?
Trinity: my kid was conceived at the local strip joint.
Genesis: I was conceived at the local strip joint.
Boy’s names:
Aidan: in the thread where I first found the link to the top 100 baby names, someone mentioned that this is the name of a character from Sex and the City. You wanna name your kid after a Sex in the City character? One piece of advice: when he lunges at you in a homicidal rage in his teens, scream real loud. He’ll probably ditch the axe and move on to the handgun. In your dying breath you’ll thank me.
Caleb: what you wanted: a sensitive Irish poet. What you’ll get: a no-necked, knuckle dragging mongoloid who plays lacrosse and likes to cruise all over town and beat up gay people.
Logan: I thought this was a pretty cool name. Like in Wolverine. And then I realized you’re naming your kid after a comic book character.
Jayden: yeah, this one’s a keeper. Beat him up now so he’ll learn to fight before school starts. Two words of advice: you’re gonna wanna keep your ammo and handguns locked and in separate containers. It’ll make pulling a Menendez on you that much harder down the line.
Brayden: I tried to think of something snappy, but just found myself clenching my jaw uncontrollably for five minutes.
Brody: Caleb’s even dumber, more useless, more simian frat brother. His greatest achievement will be “accidentally” getting shot in the back by his platoon.
Tristan: verily, my porcine maiden. Come brush the Chee-to dust from mine neckbeard and fetch me my Mountain Dew and 20-sided dice that I may roll up a half-orc ranger most worthy.
Hayden: seriously? You named your kid after THE worst actor in the new Star Wars trilogy? Shit, name your kid Rudolf Hess or something why don’t you?
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